Often this happens because they’re angry, but their fears get in the way of them being able to express it openly. This can begin in early childhood and blossom during adolescence, says Wetzler. Some people outgrow it, leaving it behind as they shed their teenage angst; others don’t and bring these psychological conflicts into adulthood. While everyone acts in a passive-aggressive way at some point, what distinguishes people with a long-standing problem is that they do it all too often and in inappropriate situations. People develop passive-aggressive behavior when they have not learned how to deal openly and honestly with their own aggressive impulses or when they’re severely punished for responding to these impulses. RELATED: Why Is Everyone Talking About ‘Gaslighting’? Here’s What It Means and How to Spot It Another sign is when a person appears to be saying or doing things that you perceive as being of hostile intent, but the person denies or deflects these issues when confronted. A passive-aggressive individual will not respond directly to issues, but will instead externalize or blame others whenever they’re backed into a corner, says Nydegger. RELATED: How to Deal With a Know-It-All Friend In a situation such as this, the best response is to recognize passive-aggressiveness as a form of hostility. Use the same strategies for dealing with someone who expresses hostility in a more direct manner, says Wetzler: Set limits, enforce them, and be proportionate in your response. Nydegger adds that you should not fall into the trap of trying to read the subtext—i.e., what the passive-aggressive person really means. “You should only respond to their actual words,” he shares. “By doing this, you eliminate the manipulation effect of the behavior and will catch them in their own trap.” For example, if a person says something that feels hostile and you ask, “Why did you say that? It wasn’t very nice,” and they say, “Oh, that wasn’t meant to be mean, I was only pointing out what others have said.” Then you can respond, “Thank you for that feedback; it’s very helpful.” This removes the effect the person was trying to provoke, thereby neutralizing the passive-aggressive behavior, says Nydeggger. RELATED: Yes, Adults Can Be Bullied Too—Here’s How to Handle a Bully in the Adult World Something to keep in mind, though, is that psychotherapy is only useful if people recognize that they have a problem and are ready and willing to work on it. Unfortunately, many people with passive-aggression do not acknowledge it’s an issue and/or are not motivated to address it, says Wetzler. If and when a passive-aggressive person realizes the cost of their own behavior and takes responsibility for themselves, however, psychotherapy can be very effective. An important tip, Nydegger adds, is to avoid jumping from one therapist to another in hopes of finding someone who will agree with you. “When people realize that they are the common denominator in all of the situations in which they are having difficulties,” he says, “that is a big step in the direction of self-improvement.” RELATED: 11 Red-Flag Signs of a Toxic Relationship
